Here's my #1 relationship hack to move through conflict into deeper intimacy.

Stop talking so much!

Our words and explanations often stand in the way of what is authentically true. Deeper truths are often conveyed in the unspoken. In a way they are transmitted through our bodies and nervous systems. Too many words can dilute the actual message that needs to be transmitted.

Our defensive habits and strategies to avoid vulnerability tend to cause us to easily get caught up in the rationalizing, hashing out and processing that so many couples engage in.

We need to remember that communication is 93% nonverbal.

When there is a disagreement, misunderstanding or hurt feelings, seeking for what is beneath the surface of a complaint will more likely lead to the deeper desire that is present.

Usually it's as simple as love, connection, attention or appreciation.

Next time you get caught in the whirlwind of a mental, emotional, verbal process that is going nowhere.

Pause.
Slow down.
Feel yourself.
Feel the other.

The depth and synchronization of two bodies breathing in unison can both let another into our world, or let the other know that "I am with you" and "I am holding you.

Your eyes can speak and reveal so much, if you choose to use them as the windows into the soul that they are. The language of your body speaks through its posture, stillness and movement.

A few words sourced from the heart and chosen with deliberation, rhythm and tone of voice can have greater impact than essays on the whys and where froms of our wounds.

Creating the kind of deep relationship that can be a vehicle for healing, requires us to drop our stories and to get into our bodies. When we learn to occupy the wisdom and awareness of our nervous systems we can both penetrate and have the permeability to receive the gift of another's presence and essence.

Intimacy is an essential part of any healthy relationship, and it's something that many men struggle with. Whether it's due to a lack of understanding of how to create intimacy, or simply a lack of awareness about what it takes to foster a deep connection with another person, it's important to understand that intimacy is something that needs to be cultivated and nurtured.

The ways we communicate with our bodies and energy is often more important than the words we speak. Our nervous system is constantly transmitting and receiving signals. The subconscious part of us can track subtle cues that our conscious mind may not keep pace with. Women are often more attuned to subtle cues and nonverbal communication, and they respond to the quality of our presence in a deep and powerful way.

A lot of couples get stuck in a mode of verbal processing which sometimes can create deeper understanding and connection, but can also run in circles and leave us feeling even more disconnected and misunderstood.

What often gets lost in translation between the masculine and the feminine, is around our primary needs.

Before I go any further, I want to clarify that when I speak of masculine energy, I'm not necessarily referring to a male body, and feminine energy doesn't equate to the female body. Both men and women have the capacity to embody traits of both. However, it tends to be more innate for women to show up in relationship in the a satisfying way when more often than not they are in their feminine essence, and men tend to feel more satisfaction when they are occupying their masculine essence. However these are generalities and it does NOT apply in all cases.

When we look at the primary needs of a woman that feels most natural in her feminine essence, the needs to take the form of being witnessed, which could include being heard, and being fully emotionally expressed.

The way that we as men can embody that quality of the witness is through our presence. Now, this doesn't just mean we are not thinking about the ball game while we are with her. This means we are there fully in our body, breathing, grounded, and have both our mental and emotional attention on her. 

The benefit of this deep embodied presence is it allows her to feel safe so that she can go deeper into the emotional truth of her heart, which for men can be experienced as the most beautiful qualities in her. A woman that feels safe enough to bring forth her hearts deepest expression unfurls like a flower, which allows her to reorganize her being around her essence. 

For men that are uncomfortable with a woman's emotional expression, it can be hard to hold presence with her. Because the masculine can find himself pre-occupied with solving or fixing the issue with a top down approach. We tend to want to use our rational thinking as a tool to fix an emotional issue. The problem is, it's the wrong tool.

Here's the kicker, men that have a hard time being with their woman's emotions, generally will suppress or try to rationalize away their own. In order to get adept at leading your woman back to her heart without coercion, you need to get right with your own emotional body or inner feminine energy.

There are many tools that I use with my coaching clients to help men both foster deeper intimacy and develop a quality of emotional integrity. Here are a few that you can start working with now:

1. Breathwork. This is a modality that helps you connect to your body, which is the container for all of your feeling and emotional states
2. Internal Family Systems. This therapeutic model developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz recognizes that the human psyche is made up of different parts. Learning to connect with these parts can help us to cultivate self awareness and an integrated operating system.
3. Bioenergetics. This somatic body of work developed by Alexander Lowen uses exercises, postures, and breath, to disrupt holding patterns in the mind body connection.
4. Psychedelics. Working intentionally with the non-ordinary states that can be produced by certain chemical components, can allow us to access the subconscious and work on unhealed traumas and protective strategies that adulterate our authentic expression.

Fostering deeper intimacy can require us to do deeper work on ourselves so that we can have more capacity to be present and allow the vulnerability that comes from an unmasked connection to another human. It can be confronting to be bring ourselves fully to relationship. It's uncomfortable because there are wounds that have occurred previously that are unhealed, and opening our hearts in this way brings them to the surface. This is the gift, the opportunity, and I believe the primary function of deep intimacy. We are in relationships to not just be comfortable, but to grow and heal those hurts of the past.

If you can relate to what I shared here, comment below or share this blog.
If you're a man and feel ready to have a guide to do your inner healing work, then reach out to me to talk about my coaching services.