Women are often attracted to the "bad boy" because, in a way, they know what they are getting from these men. They are not living to please her; they are living on their own terms. This can be more trustworthy for a woman than the manipulative games that a "nice guy" might play. Of course, the "bad boy" is not an emotionally mature version of a man either.

I've learned after many years of intentional inner work that it is possible to overcome nice guy syndrome and start living authentically.

Here are five lessons that I've learned in my recovery from being a nice guy that have helped me along with many of my clients:

1. Give only if it's given freely: Be aware of where you have hidden strings attached to your actions and anywhere you are not forthcoming with your motives for reciprocation. Be honest with yourself and others about your true intentions and feelings.

2. Tell the whole truth: Not sharing the whole truth is a nice guy's way of avoiding the possibility of conflict. When we avoid conflict, we create a battle within. Be honest with yourself and others about your true intentions and feelings. A man who can't stand with some spine in his own truth stands for nothing.

3. Pause before saying "yes" to anything: That pause is a place of power. It gives you room to get clear on what you can stand behind and follow through on. It also gives you the space to feel into if it’s an authentic YES or if it's a people-pleasing yes.

4. Set boundaries around the things that are important to you: Nice guys are great at neglecting themselves. Stop apologizing for having needs or acting like you don't have them. Stop waiting for permission to value yourself. Doing that actually makes you appear more "needy." Get clear on the conditions you need in your life and relationships to embody the best version of yourself and uphold the structures that enable that.

5. Being “nice” does not entitle you to anyone's time, attention, or affection: When you honor the boundaries, autonomy, and free will of others, you create an atmosphere of respect and trust around you, which is admirable and naturally makes people want to do good on you. When you quietly manipulate others with your words or actions and pout when things don’t go your way, you create an atmosphere of distrust and revulsion.

The paradigm of the "nice guy" is an epidemic among modern men. It is a behavioral mechanism where a man withholds his truth for fear of disappointing others. This kind of habit is on autopilot for many men because this way of relating was a survival or coping strategy that was adopted from a young age.

If you learned that you needed to compromise some part of yourself to get your needs for love, care, or attention met, then it's likely that in your adult relationships you may have a hidden belief that says if you are completely honest with this person, then they might leave or not like you. Living within that frame of fundamental dishonesty with yourself and the world breeds a climate of distrust around you. The world can sense a man's lack of authenticity and withholding, particularly women. If you want to be trustable, practice being honest, especially when you're afraid to do so.

The deeper truth is, you are short-changing the world by hiding your vulnerabilities and your idiosyncrasies because standing beside those things is also your magnificence. You will never be enough if your aim is enoughness. As Carl Jung, the godfather of modern-day psychology, stated so simply: "I'd rather be whole than good."

True freedom does not come from having more money or more options with women; it comes from your capacity to risk sharing your authentic self and your deepest truth. Yes, there is a possibility of losing that job opportunity, that date, or even a significant other if you honor yourself. But if these things are not really aligned with who you are, ultimately they will make you miserable in the end. It's time to stop sacrificing yourself for the sake of being "nice" and start owning your experience.

The opposite of a nice guy is an integrated man. He is a man of integrity because he knows his values and his needs and takes responsibility for creating his life in alignment with them. He has developed enough respect and love for all parts of himself, both his shadows and his light, that he's able to act authentically in his truth and in his power.

If hearing what a "nice guy" is feels like a punch in the gut for you because it speaks to your experience or character, there is hope. The men that break free from this pattern do the inner work on themselves, which over time manifests itself as confidence, self-respect, and healthier relationships.

The key to overcoming nice guy syndrome is about developing a quality of backbone. If you think about a man with a strong backbone, you might picture a man standing up for what he believes in. There's a quality of unshakeability and being an uncompromising stand for what his non-negotiable terms for life and relationships are.

A man that lives a life of profound compromise struggles to set boundaries and ask for what he needs in a relationship tends to live in some kind of perpetual state of anxiety. When you live in a constant dread of how people perceive you, you will not be able to make the pivot into authenticity without the right tools. If you are without a constant threat response in your body, you need to learn how to regulate your own nervous system.

Breath is the gateway to conscious nervous system management. Breath gives you three primary functions beyond just providing you with oxygen. One is awareness. Because breath is so automated, it's one of the first things we become unconscious of. Simply noticing your breathing pattern allows you to come into a state of awareness. Breath is also the primary mechanism for feeling our feelings. We often hold our breath when we don't want to feel something. Nice guys are out of touch with their wants and needs because they are emotionally constipated. Breath helps you to complete the feeling cycle. And lastly, breath taps into the physiology of the nervous system on a primal level. Working with your breath consciously cultivates the agency you need to literally shift your nervous system from a fight, flight, freeze response to one of relaxed composure.

Beyond the concepts presented in overcoming nice guy syndrome, if your body-mind is not on board for the new agenda, it will be hard to make the necessary changes in how you relate to the world.

That's why I believe so strongly in the power of somatic practices. They go beyond the mind and deep into our physiology, accessing the limbic parts of our nervous system, which were in development at the time many of these relational patterns emerged, our early childhood.