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5 Lessons from a Recovering 'Nice Guy': How to Stop Sacrificing Yourself and Start Living Authentically

Being a "nice guy" is often viewed as a positive trait, but in reality, it can be detrimental to our relationships and our own well-being. It involves putting others' needs before our own, neglecting our own boundaries, and engaging in covert manipulative behavior.

"Nice Guys" have inherited the false belief they are somehow fundamentally flawed. That they are not enough as they are. "Nice guys" use adaptive strategies, like compromising and being accommodating, to minimize the potential to be rejected, not liked, or not loved.

They will lie or tell half-truths (while convincing themselves they are being honest), people-please, avoid conflict, and generally play safe and small, shying away from any risk that would tarnish what they believe is their stainless reputation.
As a recovering "nice guy" myself I struggled a lot in relationships because I was afraid of abandonment. I hid my true feelings and pretended like I didn't have needs or desires.
I spiritually bypassed the very...
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The Power Of Communicating Without Words

Stop talking so much!


Our words and explanations often stand in the way of what is authentically true. Deeper truths are often conveyed in the unspoken. In a way they are transmitted through our bodies and nervous systems. Too many words can dilute the actual message that needs to be transmitted.


Our defensive habits and strategies to avoid vulnerability tend to cause us to easily get caught up in the rationalizing, hashing out and processing that so many couples engage in.

We need to remember that communication is 93% nonverbal.

When there is a disagreement, misunderstanding or hurt feelings, seeking for what is beneath the surface of a complaint will more likely lead to the deeper desire that is present.

Usually it's as simple as love, connection, attention or appreciation.


Next time you get caught in the whirlwind of a mental, emotional, verbal process that is going nowhere.

Pause.
Slow down.
Feel yourself.
Feel the other.


The depth and synchronization of two bodies breathing...

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Why Kids Need Their Fathers To Be Their Best

Uncategorized Jan 04, 2023

Fathers play a vital role in the development of their children.

From the moment a child is born, fathers have the ability to shape their children's lives in meaningful ways. According to research, children with involved fathers are more likely to have better academic outcomes, higher self-esteem, and fewer behavioral problems.

One concept that is relevant to the role of fathers in child development is the "boy crisis," which refers to the challenges that boys face in modern society. Boys are more likely to struggle in school, have lower grades, and be diagnosed with behavioral problems compared to girls. However, studies have shown that the presence of a supportive and involved father can help to mitigate these negative outcomes. Children with involved fathers have been found to have better academic performance, higher levels of social and emotional competence, and fewer behavioral problems.

Another important factor in the role of fathers is the concept of "father involvement."...

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Can a man be vulnerable and be attractive to women? 

Uncategorized Sep 14, 2022

 

Vulnerability has become a buzzword in the last few years. With women generally being on the forefront of diving into therapeutic healing modalities, exploring the inner workings of their emotional landscapes, many men are being asked to keep pace and follow the form of their feminine counterparts.

These requests are often met with both a desire to please, and the trepidation that it evokes largely due the internal conflicts related to the updated cultural expectations, that run contrary to the roles men have identified with for many generations.

Going by its standard definition, vulnerability implies weakness. It’s defined as the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of attack or harm, physically or emotionally.

The social roles that men have been valued and revered for throughout the ages have been structured around protecting and providing for those around us that were physically weaker.

Being asked to be a more vulnerable man is confronting considering...

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A Man Can't Lead Well If He Can't Follow

Uncategorized Nov 10, 2021
A man can’t lead well if he can’t follow.
 
I learned this the hard way after being immersed for several years in the illustrious world of sexual polarity as taught by some of the most high-profile teachers in the industry.
 
Like many other well-meaning men, I was seduced by the hype about being a more confident masculine leader.
 
For most of my adult life,
I struggled to be decisive.
 
To have a clear sense of direction.
 
To own what I wanted and to have the courage and the tenacity to go after it.
In both intimate and professional relationships
I hid my needs.
Played small and safe.
Pandered to others in a way that was least likely to have me disliked or rejected.
 
I was a conditional leader.
It was either,
I’ll take the lead if you validate me every step of the way.
 
Or
 
We’ll do it my way and you can f#*k off.
 
Neither worked.
 
I do believe that there’s tremendous value...
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The Conscious Man And The Wounded Boy

Uncategorized Aug 26, 2020

A man’s maturity is both earned and learned. 

Lived experience is life’s greatest teacher. It’s when a man leans into the dynamic experiences of life, including the pain and hardship, that he becomes fortified in wisdom, inner-strength and resilience. 

Much of our internal programming, meaning our beliefs and attitudes, are adopted unconsciously by mimicking the qualities that were embodied by our caregivers. Those qualities tend to be the most difficult to track and change because they are so intricately woven into our experience of reality and our sense of identity. 

I’ve been focused on intentional spiritual growth for over 20 years now. How I approach that growth has shifted from a desire to fix myself, to a learning to be with myself, flaws and all. 

Being confronted with depression, anxiety and self-hatred since my teenage years, my original motivations stemmed from just wanting to feel better. Over time, through significant...

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5 Powerful Ways To Shift From Conflict With Your Woman Into Deeper Connection

Uncategorized Aug 01, 2020

If you're the kind of man that loves and appreciates women for their beauty, allure and radiance, there are some things you need to understand.

Most modern women carry a significant amount of trauma. Some of this trauma comes from transgressions that have occurred in relationship to men. Men that have sexually violated them, fathers that were emotionally unavailable, men that have lied, cheated and been abusive physically, emotionally or verbally.

It's true that you are not responsible for what has occurred in her past, yet you need to understand that when a woman opens up to you sexually, her heart opens, and her wounds also re-open. 

All of her story comes with the opening of her sexuality; including sometimes the pain from her past relationships with other men and all that has been handed down to her generationally in her family lineage, especially if she has not done significant work on herself to heal all of it. If you've ever been in a relationship with a woman only to...

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5 Unusual Ways To Discover Your Purpose

Uncategorized Jul 15, 2020

Lack of purpose and direction in a man's life can be a subtly painful experience. It often occurs as a dull ache in the early stages of adulthood transforming into a deeper anguish in later years. Not making choices that are aligned and connected to those values which imbue our lives with intention and depth can lead us to depression, an inability to focus, and serious relationship problems. It’s this kind of disorienting absence of meaning that can eventually push a man into a ‘midlife crisis’ experience.

As humans we all have an inherent need to feel like we were put on Earth to do something valuable. To make a positive contribution. To have an experience of being more than just a meat-body, and a head on a stick; going through the motions of what we need to do to put food on the table and keep a shelter over our heads. The absence of purpose, in particular for men, can make our lives feel somewhat hollow and shallow. It is a drive towards something that is...

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The Courage To Look Within

Uncategorized Jul 13, 2020

You don’t know me. But maybe you think you do. You don’t know what I have been through. My past. My history. All that I carry in this lifetime.

You don’t know the pain or trauma I have endured. Hell, I’m not even aware of it all. But it lives somewhere in my body.

You might make up in your head that because I have made my work in service to healing and to love, that I shouldn’t still have my own work and healing to do. That I will not screw up. Make messes. Hurt others.

For you to assess and act as if you have me figured out from a glance or interaction, or from some words that I’ve written is a reflection of your own unwillingness to look and feel deeper. And from that same lens of your judgements you will likely collect any evidence to confirm your beliefs and biases about me and filter out the rest. The human mind is great at doing that.

What I want you to know is I am flawed. I do contradict myself. And I am a hypocrite.

I struggle to...

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Finding Purpose In Our Pain

Uncategorized Jul 13, 2020

There is a relationship between the emotional wounds that men bear and the inherent gifts that we are to bring into the world. This message is consistently instilled in art and myth throughout the world, ancient and modern. Joseph Campbell refers to this relationship as the hero’s journey. It is a path born out of inner pain and turmoil.

This journey is our calling to face the dragons within us, and allows us to return to the world with the treasure from within the soul. Many men spend an entire lifetime avoiding the difficult work of this inner journey. Those that do choose to follow the call, have an opportunity to reclaim fragmented pieces of themselves. Those pieces being integral to the delivering of their purpose into the world.

Greek mythology tells the story of Chiron a centaur, abandoned at birth by both parents. He is then adopted by Apollo and grows into a powerful teacher to many of the renowned Greek heroes. Apollo mentored Chiron allowing his gifts to come...

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